Fifteen things not to do in Atlantis
by xxxkimmixxx
Summary: What not to do in Atlantis, starting with everyones favourite, Rodney Mckay! Updated the rating, due to a hint of a swear word.
1. Rodney

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Rodney

I will not continue on conversations with myself after everyone has left the room.

I will not touch strange objects in strange places, without first consulting Sheppard, Teyla, Carson or Elizabeth.

I will listen to others under my command, as they may have something valid to say.

I will run when others tell me too or are seen running away from the place in question.

I will not wake col. Sheppard up at 3am to use his super powers; he is likely to let me get shot the next time.

I will not wake up Dr. Beckett up at 3am to use his super powers; he is likely to jab me with big needles.

I will not tease Elizabeth Weir about not having the ATA gene; she is likely to put me on training sessions with Ronon.

I will not insinuate that Ronon is sexually deprived, or that Teyla is still available.

I will not tease anyone about being dumber than I am, even if it is true.

I will not teach other races how to make atom, nuclear or hydrogen bombs, even if it is for destroying the wraith.

I will not tease Sheppard about asking Dr Weir out. It will lead to pain in the end.

I will not assume that everything I do is correct or that I have all the answers, I have been wrong before and will be again.

I will stop talking when Elizabeth starts to rub her temples during briefings. Elizabeth in pain Problems for everyone else Pain for me.

I will learn to shut up and keep quite when being held hostage.

I will not assume that everybody is stupid and I will not look down on them. One day I may need them to save my life.


	2. Sheppard

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Sheppard

I will not give Rodney McKay any more reasons to call me Kirk. He has enough of those all ready.

Alien women do not equal ' no strings attached fun' Daddy/husband is usually somewhere near.

I will learn from the lessons of my elders, (Jack O'Neill) on the above subject matters.

I will not use my cute puppy dog look to get my own way.

I will not taunt Rodney, he can and will quite willingly get you up in the early hours of the morning, with very little reason.

I will not train in hand to hand with Ronon, it will end in tears.

Teyla's abilities are not to be underestimated. She hits hard with those sticks.

Telling Dr Weir I screwed up again is not pleasant. Not telling her is worse.

If Rodney says 'oh shit' I should run very fast in the opposite direction.

I will not let any of the scientists make me touch strange objects just to find out what it does, Rodney has the gene, let him do it.

I will not shoot, maim or throw people off of any part of Atlantis or any planet.

Leaving Kavanagh on a planet with wraith's on it, although funny is a cruel ands a nasty way to go.

I will not play the hero every time, its time someone else takes the pain that comes with it.

Pissing Carson Beckett off, by not sitting still, will give him reason to bring out the big needles.

Overriding Elizabeth Weir on any subject is risky and should not be attempted. She will make you pay for it and feel as guilty as hell.


	3. Ronon

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Ronon 

I will not beat up McKay or Sheppard (too badly) when training them in hand to hand combat.

Greeting somebody with a gun in their face, is not the universal greeting at Atlantis and they may just reprociate this.

Knives and forks are acceptable eating instruments, but they're not to be used for throwing practice.

I will not use McKay for live and moving target practice, however tempting.

I will not beat up the marines, even if im in a mood and they're asking for it.

I will not upset Dr Weir, this is not good and she can be very vindictive and mean.

I will not continue to purposely get Teyla on the floor with me on top, during training practice. There are subtler ways of achieving this.

I will not take out my dreadlocks and wash my hair, the results may bring Atlantis to a standstill.

Sleeping with my knives whist on base is not required or appropriate.

I will not distract the women of Atlantis by jogging round the hallways when crucial work is going on. Distracted scientists Kaboom.

I will not shoot people when I am told to leave them alone. This leads to 'babysitting scientists' missions.

I will stop agreeing to baby sit scientist, biologists, archeologists, on mission. This is very boring and leads to thoughts of a more active nature.

I will remember that not everybody has my strength or running abilities. A 10 mile trek then a fight with 5 wraiths is not recommended.

I will control my emotions. There are only so many things (scientists) I can destroy before people start complaining.

I am not invincible, I can be destroyed, therefore I will shoot them first.


	4. Carson

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Carson

I will not use my knowledge of the body to inflict unnecessary stress.

Knowing the weak areas and pressure points does not give me license to use them.

I am NOT James Bond. Therefore I will stop doing stupid things like walking into caves of iratus bugs.

I will not use my good locks and blue eyes to get my own way.

I will not be coerced into creating anti-wraith drugs until I am sure there are no human guinea pigs.

falling in love with alien women is not, a good idea.

I will stop feeling sorry for myself every time something goes wrong. If they say its fin, I should believe them.

I do have the power to restrict Rodney's caffeine intake if he annoys me. Using this power is an idea.

I will stop hoping the SGA-1 will come back unharmed. They have their own beds in the infirmary after all.

I will stop being a pushover then tell the scientists to get a new guinea pig to activate the ancient's technology.

I will stop threatening everyone with big needles. Instead I shall threaten to restrict their caffeine, chocolate and painkiller intake.

Withholding chocolate from certain members (cough Weir, McKay cough) may cause pain and suffering. I have to treat this. Don't do it.

I will not sit in the ancient chair. To be told to, is to sign someone's death sentence.

I will stop using mice for experiments. 1. Cinderella is missing them. 2. What works for them, may not work for humans. 3. They have to be imported, they don't grow in Atlantis.

I will stop swearing or talking in Scottish Gaelic. No one can understand it and the accent worsens when I become angry.


	5. Elizabeth

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Elizabeth

I will not abuse my power over everyone. The powers that be do not like it and can (will) remove me from Atlantis.

I will not stop others from wearing red. I don't own the colour and I have no power over what people wear. Unfortunately.

Wearing low cut tops, then leaning forward in briefings is incredibly unfair towards the men. It also has consequences.

Berating said men for the above point is mean. They cannot help themselves.

I will stop letting Colonel Sheppard kiss me and then walk away like nothing happened. Everyone deserves a distraction or two… Permantly!

I will stop scarring the younger expedition members with my best 'do-as-i-say-or-else' look. It does make them cry.

I will continue to make people feel guilty for things they've done by ignoring them. This works, so why stop using it.

I will not expect my teams to return from missions as I sent them, or with new toys, enemies, refugees. This is just naïve.

I will stop taking in said refugees/wraith captives. I don't know what they carry and the flea dip hasn't been set up.

I will continue to ignore the requests for an online story forum to be set up. The rumour mill is big enough, without whole stories about certain members.

I will learn to shut Rodney up. He is annoying and sooner or later he will get beaten or shot for it.

I will not ask for the Daedalus to pick up only chocolate and coffee on its next supply trip. Tempting but not practical.

I will not ask for security tapes from the men's locker room. (Or the men's shower rooms!!!!)

I will not put all the men in one room and turn on the sprinklers.

I will not arrange for me to get stuck in the transporters with either Carson, Sheppard, Ronon or even Meredith. Hmmmm sooo tempting.

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Hi guys and gals. Just thought I would say thank you for all the lovely reviews. Just remember the 'submit review' button is just below and is waiting to be hit. If you want more you know what to do. ;-p


	6. Teyla

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Teyla

I will not use my big sticks on people for the sake of it. They might use them back.

I will not drool over Ronon or any other of the boys whilst training. It just gives the game away and scares them.

I will stop trusting everyone I meet. Some of my old friends aren't always who they seem to be.

Hiding things from Sheppard is useless, he always finds out.

I will not conceal knives down my top. This can cause embarrassment, when going to Carson with cuts in that area.

I will continue to smile indulgently at the men, whilst trading 'hurry-up-I'm-bored-and-hungry' looks with the other women of Atlantis.

I will not give in to the men when they want to do something. Getting hurt is not worth the possible finds.

I will not let the men get away with it, when I do get hurt. Revenge is a bit and a dish best served cold.

I will not allow Michael into my naughtiest thoughts. This could be used as blackmail later.

I will not disclose the goings on of ladies night, even under the fear of torture or Rodney McKay.

I will pick the option of going at the rear or to take point. Otherwise even I may be tempted to shoot Rodney.

I will not forgo meditation in favour of training practice or movie night. Something has to keep me sane.

I will not disagree with Dr. Weir, she has the power to order more popcorn.

I will not allow any of the scientists to access popcorn or sweet things. They are hyped up enough on coffee without any more help.

Plausible deniability is good… Sometimes. Withholding information for the sake of it… not good lack of treats.


	7. Radek

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Radek

I will not let Rodney McKay boss me about.

I will not kill said person off, just to become my own boss. However enjoyable!

I will not set off unidentifiable objects, kaput does not exist on Atlantis, KABOOM does.

I will inform Rodney when he's making mistakes, the look on his face is priceless.

Locking people in lifts/closets, just to see what they do is amusing, just not when they're senior staff.

I CANNOT live on coffee alone.

I will not team up with the group of pyromaniac marines. Ever!!!!!

I will not swear in Czech. It's no fun when only one other person understands you.

I will not break security clearance when writing home, Dr Jackson among others can speak Czech.

Just because the gene therapy didn't work for me, does not mean I can electrocute Carson as punishment for the failure.

I will not sign things Drake Zeal-Kin. This is not my off world name nor my wraith name.

I will not purposely tell others the wrong sequence when using wraith technology. Just because I can, doesn't mean they wont find out and get revenge.

Vodka is not the staple food of life, though it is the staple food of parties and can get certain expedition members to do stupid things. I will use this.

I will not play Kabat at full volume through the speaker system at 1am Atlantis standard time. Thrash metal can cause nervous breakdowns.

I will not start singing the Czech national anthem, every time someone asks about where I come from.

Authoress note: I humbly apologise for the time it took me to write this chapter. My muse ran away and eloped with a faerie. It took this long for her to come home without the faerie. Sorry!!!!!!


	8. Wraith

Fifteen things not to do at Atlantis

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Atlantis, it belongs to MGM.

Wraith

I will not destroy worlds that annoy me Damn.

I will not break any treaty's we make.

I will not go to or invade Earth, no matter how tempting… mmmm the other white meat.

I promise I will not destroy Atlantis, although as it would like to destroy me….

I will not eat anyone on any planet, ever.

I will not double cross anyone I work with on a joint mission – Todd, with love to John.

I Michael, will stop trying to kidnap a certain Athosian child. His mommy was not impressed the first or last time and she scares me.

I will not do anymore genetic experiments on the Pegasus galaxies' inhabitants – least it actually work

I will not let my queen, boss me about especially when I know its wrong. My mummy taught me better, I miss my mummy.

I will not chase team members throughout the galaxy, no matter how fun it is.

I will not take over your precious midway station, I will destroy them instead.

I will stop nicking your valuable ZPM's from other worlds you haven't discovered. I'm sooo much cleverer than you, I found them first, na na na nana.

I will eat the genii and shoot at any replicater I see.

I am not, I repeat not in a competition with the Goau'ld for the 'big bad one'

Humans are not my toys!!!!!

Sorry I had permanent writers block. Sorry


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